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07.04.06
A Few Ground Rules
posted by Absinthe | 11:18 AM
I’m really looking forward to this week in Vegas. I don’t know why – as I’m a big successful tournament player now with an hourly winrate that probably approaches two figures, attending a gathering of all of you roll-less wonders should be beneath me. But noblesse oblige, I suppose.
Still, if I’m going to be hanging with you lot, I have a few conditions.
1. I will not sign autographs unless provided a reasonable amount (1/2pt or so, Imperial or regular depending on signee’s country of origin) of the requester’s blood with which to sign. I get to keep what’s left over.
2. I am extremely susceptible to loud noises and therefore must demand that certain sound-pollution-restriction niceties are observed. If you plan to drink a soda in my presence, please ensure that it is decanted twenty-four hours in advance; remove all metallic jewelry before setting foot on any property in which I might be playing (any Strip casino); do not wear hard-heeled shoes, or ideally any shoes at all. If you wish to laud me or seek an audience with my greatness, do not speak in any tone above “reverential whisper”.
3. If you attempt to buy me a drink one of my lackeys will promptly throw it in your face. You can imagine what they’ll do if you offer me a cigarette.
4. You are welcome to sit at my table (if you can afford the buyin) so long as you understand that I am no longer bound by the same rules as the other players, and agree in advance to follow my instructions. If I nod twice while making a bet, you must call; otherwise, you must fold. I rarely nod.
5. No you may NOT touch me. I am like a Madame Tussaud’s creation; beautiful and strangely lifelike, but if you get too close, burly men in sportjackets appear and teach you the meaning of pain.
6. If successfully engaged in conversation, I promise to attempt to feign an appropriate level of interest in your natterings. Rest assured, though, that I am mostly consumed with deciding whether it is best to gut you metaphorically or literally.
7. I will not look at pictures of your cats. Have you seen pictures of my cats? MY CATS WIN.
I hope this serves to clear up any potential future misunderstandings. Looking forward to a great weekend in the City of Sin!
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Topics: Poker | 2 Comments »
July 4, 2006 at 11:42 AM
You forgot the rules about perfumes/colognes, how long people can stare at you, and that people have to pay for drinks and meals for your entourage.
July 4, 2006 at 11:59 AM
Ohh good I can fart at you as long as it is silent and deadly.