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11.16.06
(Form) Letter To A Young Internet Pro
posted by Absinthe | 10:05 PM
Dear (screen name that implies a desire to emulate a well-known pro / a laughably premature declaration of inevitable victory / a fondness for marijuana ):
Hi. I have some bad news for you. Neurosurgeons aren’t gods, and what you do isn’t remotely brain surgery. Nor is it rocket science or stem-cell research. On the scale of noble intellectual pursuits it barely ranks above fucking (geography / telemarketing / Uno ), and only then until we finally get around to (colonizing other planets / telepathy / doing away with the ‘Draw Four’ cards). What you’re doing here? Kicking ass, smoking grass and taking cash? It’s irrelevant. Any pride you have in your l33t skillz (and, really, you don’t have skillz at this point; with few exceptions, what you have is a combination of enthusiasm, energy and talent) is sadly misplaced.
There is a great deal of evidence to suggest that your current successes are largely a byproduct of your own (misunderstanding of the universe / lack of humility / commonly-recognized personality disorders). Genius that you are, it shouldn’t take you too much trouble to figure out that the bill for this is (staggeringly steep / ironically spectacular / only a little piece of your soul, but it’s not like you have much to spare), and the interest on it is (a bitch / one cold motherfucker / like goddamn Vesuvius).
I’m not saying you shouldn’t strike while the iron is hot. It’s obviously not going to get any hotter. You’re smart, you’re running good, and every table is packed with people who have no business playing anything more complex than Candyland. But please, while you’re taking everyone’s money, try to be at least a little bit gracious about it. Mouthing off like a ( hair-triggered psychotic junior-high miscreant / Tourrette’s victim / predictably ignorant fucktard ) just goes to show what ( Dennis Rodman / Dennis Miller / Dennis the Menace ) proved long ago: all the talent and cash in the world won’t make you anything resembling a worthwhile human being.
I know this letter is ( falling on deaf ears / being faced with a self-satisfied sneer / well above your pay grade, from a philosophical perspective ). I know that you don’t understand that when you’re twenty-one you’re as dumb as ( you’re ever going to be / a bag of rocks that flunked out of rock school / people who call an overbet with one card to come, no implied odds and nothing but the ass-end of a gutshot draw, and I think we can both agree that’s pretty dumb ). I know that even deep down in the core of that underdeveloped brain of yours you actually think you’re ( funny / a genius / in line for the Nobel Peace Prize ) when you’re actually ( not funny / maybe just a little above average / just the kind of asshole who cuts in lines when he sees the chance ).
I know all of these things because I have learned to play the game without involving my ( ego / pride / cock ). I know you haven’t. This is the sort of thing that should give me an edge. So why am I (tapping on the glass / offering friendly-if-stern advice / showing my hand )?
Well. Think about it for a while and I’m sure it’ll come to you. Until then, just keep on keeping on – cheers!
Regards,
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Popularity: 8% [?]
Topics: Poker | 9 Comments »
November 16, 2006 at 11:05 PM
Classic.
November 17, 2006 at 5:19 AM
a bag of rocks that flunked out of rock school
Awesome.
Well done!
November 17, 2006 at 5:35 AM
Brilliant!
November 17, 2006 at 8:27 AM
Inspired.
November 17, 2006 at 11:09 AM
So you played with Eric Molina, did ya?
November 17, 2006 at 11:44 AM
nh
November 17, 2006 at 4:24 PM
I like the Mad-lib approach.
November 19, 2006 at 9:18 PM
And you put your actions where your blog is by your actions at the WSOP when you busted Jesus. Thanks for this.
November 21, 2006 at 7:48 AM
Please get these “pros” off my Omaha tables, they’re scarying the normal rocks.