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11.30.06
In Which I Declare Myself A Reasonable Individual And Dare Any Of You Motherfuckers To Say Differently
posted by Absinthe | 2:37 PM
Perusing the comments below (the number of which, combined with the traffic, has suggested to me that I should obviously give up not only poker but also any other form of writing besides bitching about stuff), the reactions seem to be falling into three camps:
1. U go GRRRRRRRL u rawk yaylol!
Thank you. For my next trick, I have another screening tonight. I asked my editor to find somebody else who wants to see the movie because, you know, I’m not giving up my phone anymore.
2. So, why didn’t you just stuff your camera down your pants/braHARHARHAR?
For any number of reasons. First of all, it’s a rather crowded area (HARHARHARHARHAR). Second, I don’t like to lie even when it’s to my advantage to do so (except at the poker table), and if I really think it’s necessary, I prefer the tiniest of white lies (I walked here, which I can show supporting evidence for, even though I didn’t) to the boldest (why, yes, I am really happy to see you). Also, of course, the lie ultimately does nothing to resolve the problem, in part because it makes absolutely no difference whether a few (or a hundred) camera-equipped mobile phones make it into the theatre.
3. Seriously, dude, STFU and put the camera in your car like a good little boy.
Only one person from the peanut gallery spoke up with this objection, but I imagine there are a goodly number of you out there who thought it.
Swearengen said,
They have a policy, it’s the lady’s job to see that the policy is carried out. Instead you try to give her every excuse in the book and bitch and moan about it for four pages. Just go put your phone in your car next time and save us the complaining over something so ridiculously trivial.
First off, Swearengen, I can’t help but notice your lack of profanity. Would it have hurt you to have thrown a few “cock-suckers!” in there?
You have at least one reasonable point, namely being that I may be making a mountain from something a mole would look at and say, “You call that a hill? Pfffft.” Trust me when I say I wouldn’t have expended any energy on this rant if it didn’t matter to me whether or not I got to keep my phone on me. It matters. I frequently write about things that matter to me (and reserve the reason to write about things that don’t). I get that it doesn’t matter to you. But, hey, if it doesn’t matter to you, why are you sounding off about it? Why shouldn’t you just go put your phone in the car next time and save us the complaining over something so ridiculously trivial?
Oh, right.
You also pointed out that they have a job to do and they’re just, you know, doing it. Absolutely. I believe I repeatedly make the point that, insofar as the securityperson is concerned, she did her job in an exemplary fashion. She didn’t get mad, she didn’t threaten me, she just repeated the policy over and over again and stood firm. If she isn’t a good parent already I expect she’d make one.
That doesn’t change the fact that their job is stupid. It’s pointless, it does nothing to curb piracy. It’s always been a needless annoyance that I encounter frequently in my work and that alone makes it worth complaining about. Recently, though, I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to be reachable at any time it’s remotely possible. There are several options I can pursue:
Get into the theatre with my phone. From my perspective this is the simplest. The people whose films I’m reviewing have a policy against me keeping my phone. I submit to you that the policy is stupid and they should change it. They probably won’t in any event, but they certainly won’t if I keep my mouth shut and take my phone back to my car. There’s no guarantee they’ll let me keep my phone on me if I plead but I’m pretty sure they won’t if I don’t.
Retain my phone and not get into the theatre. This is always possible but unfortunately precludes me doing my job.
Retain my phone and get into the theatre by lying about it/smuggling it in. This is hard to do for a variety of reasons (I am purseless, do not wear a bra, and have a good-sized phone), and also contraindicated; I am being denied entry with my phone because they don’t trust me and it doesn’t really help matters if I behave in a fashion that suggests they shouldn’t.
Get a new phone, one that doesn’t have a camera. This is some useful outside-the-box thinking, but it doesn’t really help me. There isn’t a cameraless phone that has the features I want in a phone, and buying a special, neutered “Batphone” and swapping a SIM card into it every time I go to a screening seems a little onerous. Also, since we’ve established pretty well that existing cameraphones don’t exactly present a threat of real piracy, there is nothing to prevent them from arbitrarily banning non-cameraphones and I’d just have an even more useless phone for my troubles. In other words, fuck that.
Surrender my phone to an appropriate authority with the understanding that if it rings, and there’s an emergency, someone will fetch me from the screening room. I might take this option if it were offered, but it still rankles me; “Hey, we don’t trust you near our movie with a 1.3 megapixel camphone, but please leave us your $300 phone that contains all manner of personal information.” Trust doesn’t have to be exactly symmetrical but it should have some mutual aspects, don’t you think? Also, there’s nothing approaching a guarantee that they’d actually fetch me. Or hear the phone. Or not take my SIM card, clone it, and sell copies of it on the streets of Hong Kong.
Disable my phone’s picture-taking apparatus, maybe with a chisel. I’ve considered doing this – occasionally going to far as to think about smashing the lens with a convenient object in full view of the security personnel – but it would probably void the warranty and seems a little extreme as solutions go. Though I did like boss sauce’s suggestion to put end-user-license-style stickers over the lenses explaining that the camera is hereby disabled and that the remover agrees to pay a fine to the bearer. It wouldn’t work, but it would surely allow some fun with the goons.
Finally say “screw this stupid policy” and stand up for myself, with the end result being either a) a consistently-granted exemption for me and/or my phone model, b) a review and change of this really stupid policy, or c) a disinvitation of me to any future screenings, which I’d really rather not be the outcome but at least then I’ll have lost my job and really have something to complain about. Gin!
[Late update, because I forgot something salient and also had a new, substantially bitchier and much more amusing comment:]
nut said,
Damn. Everyone is such a tittybaby about their cell phone these days. You’re half a mile from the theater fer chrissakes. Live without the microwave teat for two fucking hours. Oh, answer your phone as discreetly as you want in my movie, but I might dicreetly pour something on your head. You aren’t part of the problem… you’re the whole damn thing. Turn the fucking piece of shit OFF in the theater. There’s nothing noisier or more distracting than some asshole trying to be QUIET and unobtrusive on his cell during the damn movie. If you think your uncle might die of cancer in the next 90 minutes, take your ass to the hospital, not the latest piece of shit at the local megaplex. A fucking move critic who thinks it’s EVER ok to answer a damn phone at the movies… now I’ve seen everything. Damn.
Rebuttal?
Rebuttal.
Oh, answer your phone as discreetly as you want in my movie, but I might dicreetly pour something on your head…Turn the fucking piece of shit OFF in the theater. There’s nothing noisier or more distracting than some asshole trying to be QUIET and unobtrusive on his cell during the damn movie.
Which is why if I’m going to answer it I leave. You don’t object to me leaving the theatre during the screening, do you? I mean, if you have a problem with that, and I need to go to the bathroom, I guess I could just discreetly piss on your head.
We’re on the same page. I hate people who talk in movies too. It’s not like the goddamn thing rings. I have mastered the art of setting it on vibrate. If you could possibly hear it your hearing it so sensitive that the nut-rattling volume of today’s screening rooms would cause a substantial amount of bleeding in the eardrum region, which you’ll recognize as the area a little back and to the right and left of the things with which you read for content.
If you think your uncle might die of cancer in the next 90 minutes, take your ass to the hospital, not the latest piece of shit at the local megaplex.
Funny you should mention. Tuesday night was the screening; Wednesday was the day I took my wife to the doctor to make sure she didn’t have pneumonia. She doesn’t, and she wasn’t that sick (love ya, honey!), but wanting to keep your phone on you for emergencies doesn’t make you a bad person. (Well, you might be a bad person anyway. It doesn’t make me a bad person.) And as to what constitutes a situation I might want to keep an eye on, so to speak, or at least be reachable in – well. Boy Scout motto. It’s true that thousands of generations of people have survived without cell phones. Bet the Donner Party would have liked one, though.
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Topics: General Geekery, Random Thoughts, The War On Camphones | 2 Comments »
December 1, 2006 at 6:24 AM
Ryan,
Admit it, you’re a big huge liar!!! I’ve had co-workers visit China and bring back $1 DVD’s of major Hollywood releases. These DVD’s were OBVIOUSLY generated by splicing all the screen-caps taken by your camera phone, the resemblence is just too uncanny. I’m sorry, but the ruse is over.
December 3, 2006 at 4:58 PM
You do have to admit that it’s unnatural for a man to be that attached to his phone. Remind me not to put you on a desert island.