« The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Chaperone | Home | Shempy New Year »
12.22.06
A Holiday Tradition: Rudolph The Latently Homosexual Reindeer
posted by Absinthe | 8:10 PM
Unlike Wil, I have a TiVo that keeps me in the loop and records things for me (sometimes when I might not want them), so I was prepared for CBS’ annual airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I haven’t watched it in years and wanted to see how it’s held up.
Apparently it’s been digitally remastered, which I figured would mean a slightly less-scratchy print so I could watch jerky stop-motion bunnies dance around to Burl Ives’ dulcet tones in a much higher definition. That’s what I thought. But obviously I was wrong; it’s been “digitally remastered” in the way that “Freddy got fingered,” if you take my meaning.
Seriously, the whole damn thing is goddamn Commie Gay Martian propaganda. Rudolph comes out of the womb with a nose that is downright flaming, and is immediately shamed into the closet by his alpha-male father. Then he gets excited while headbutting another young buck (coughERECTIONcough) and is banned from participation in the masculinity-affirming “reindeer games”, disappointing Santa, who is clearly a big ol’ redneck cracker bigot. (Yes, Rudolph then walks a girl reindeer home, but she is clearly destined for Reindeer Vassar.)
Meanwhile, frustrated elf Hermey is having trouble accepting life as a toymaker, because he can’t figure out how to put tab A into slot B. He’d rather be a “dentist” (coughS&Mcough) and leaves his clan to find somewhere he fits in. Along the way he takes naive young Rudolph under his wing, and then they meet up with Yukon Cornelius, the beariest bear of the Great White North (he licks his pickaxe, people!). Thus do the trio of innocent queen, nascent leatherdaddy and burly slumberjack begin their quest for the Island of Misfit Frisco, besieged by the Abominable Snowmonster, standing in for, oh, Idaho. Or Utah. One of those.
Then everyone learns a lesson about tolerance or something. I dunno, I sort of lost interest in the metaphor when the Charlie-In-The-Box showed up and started gushing about Rudolph’s gorgeous, uncircumsized antler stubs. I’m all for preserving the classics, but sometimes you can just go too far. We can only hope that next year’s restoration of Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey has less… obvious results.
Popularity: 8% [?]
Topics: Random Thoughts | 3 Comments »
December 26, 2006 at 3:14 AM
December 23, 2006 at 1:53 PM
My favorite line?
“Well, they were very sad at the loss of their friend, but they knew the best thing would be to get the women inside.”
December 27, 2006 at 8:28 AM
If this is what’s keeping you from the tables, then I’m really scared for you. LOL