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03.09.07
A Little Knowledge Being Many Dangerous Things
posted by Absinthe | 1:37 AM
Transition
We live in Hollywood. Our doctor practices in Santa Monica. At the moment this is merely a pain in the ass, what with us having to schlep out and back every couple-three weeks (it’s like ten miles and nonetheless takes 45 minutes each way, an hour if traffic sucks). But I have a feeling that when Kim goes into labor during rush hour that sixty minutes is going to be about as intense as sixty minutes can get.
Today, again, merely a pain in the ass.
Normally we’re heading out that way in the morning, after some of the traffic has cleared. But today we had to get there at six, which necessitates leaving at four-thirty or thereabouts. Idiots clogging the 405 entrance ramp generated a backup of more idiots who didn’t have the sense to stay out of the intersection on Santa Monica, and bam, we arrive a paltry eight minutes early.
Oh, right. Why are we there at six? It’s a childbirthing class. And not just any.
It’s as the class has started that I realize my total “food” consumption for the day consists of one iced latte and maybe half a pint of water, but it’s too late to do anything about that just now. Somehow I have a feeling that ditching within the first ten minutes of a three-hour session so I can go get a pack of Corn-Nuts isn’t going to endear me to any of the eight women in the room, most of whom are pregnant and one of whom happens to be married to me. So I suck it up. What’s the worst that could happen?
Doctors have the tendency to undersell the nasty stuff, a common condition for professional bearers of bad news. I mentally translate in real-time when I hear one of them start talking, like this:
“You won’t feel this at all” = “owww!”
“You’ll feel a slight pressure” = “WTF THERE’S A GRENADE GOING OFF IN MY SKULL”
“This might sting a bit” = “Pardon me, may I have a referral to a qualified anesthesiologist?”
(Kim once asked a technician about whether a test she was about to endure was going to hurt much. Naturally alabaster-skinned, she turned about 99-brightness white when he instantaneously responded, “Oh, it’s extremely unpleasant.”)
The name of this childbirthing class is therefore awfully telling. It’s not “Bringing Joy Into Your Life” or “White Light Preparedness” or anything reassuring. No, the name of the class is “Childbirth: A Realistic View.”
An inveterate realist myself, by the time we’d pulled into the parking ramp I’d already mentally prepared for a few hours of hearing how much this was going to hurt. But after a few minutes of the class I realize I’m going to do more than hear it. There’s a video. I’ll be watching childbirths on an entirely empty stomach and by the time it’s over my stomach will have given birth to several gaseous explosions and a peptic ulcer, and I won’t even be able to complain about it because I still know it’s nothing compared to what Kim’s going to go through.
But I have resolved to soldier on and be a good, supportive husband. I’ve brought a reporter’s notebook and, uncharacteristically, my own pen. I’ve even decided that, though I could take better notes on it, I’m leaving my SideKick holstered for the duration, lest I appear disinterested in the proceedings. Nothing could be further from the truth, but it often looks that way.
My notes early on (oh, these may get kinda graphic, those of you with turnable stomachs are forwarned) are either ambiguously terrifying statistics (“6:22pm: 80% some kind of tearing”; “6:25pm: 1cm = Cheerio, 10cm = bagel”) or improbably phrases that I wrote down to stop myself chuckling out loud (“6:24pm: ‘misbehaving uterus’”), the former because those statistics did indeed sound Realistic and the latter because I was still maintaining a sense of humor, the video still just an ominous possibility.
My note for 6:27pm reads, simply, “VIDEO”.
Video
Seriously, people, we can stop this teen-pregnancy thing in its tracks. We only lack the will. Tape open the eyeballs of thirteen-year-olds everywhere and expose them to this video and, on the off chance any of them voluntarily has sex before they’re senile, proper contraception techniques will be observed.
I have no notes on the video. If I had taken any I would have burned them in the elevator on the way out of the building. You know that scene in City Slickers where a cow gives birth to a calf? Right. Well, take that, insert normal women instead of cows (interestingly, people scream, rather than moo), show them having excruciating labor pains, then cover everything in blood, aim a shaky camera at a certain point of interest, and there you have it. It’s like those car-wreck trauma videos from driver’s ed, except worse because nobody is allowed to die.
There’s two hours of class remaining, but none of it bears mentioning here, other than that I am now in possession of an acronym for evaluating certain qualities of spilled amniotic fluid. (That acronym is TACO, and no, I’m not going to tell you what it means. Usually I’d just say “Google is your friend,” but in this case you are the cat and TACO is the curiousity. Trust me.) Near the end there’s another video that’s shorter but even more brutal than the first, but I’m pretty sure I was still in shock at that point as I was able to view it with remarkably clinical detachment.
The first video played for twenty-two minutes. Having survived it, we immediately moved on to a frank discussion of exactly how long the labor process lasts. Which as it turns out can be eighty to a hundred times as long as the video, and instead of some random person you’ve never seen before, it’s happening to the woman you love. So, if you’re reading this…
…um, sorry?
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Topics: Impending Parenthood | 16 Comments »
March 9, 2007 at 7:20 PM
March 14, 2007 at 4:24 AM
March 9, 2007 at 3:57 AM
my butt cheeks sting just thinkign about it
March 9, 2007 at 5:57 AM
Do yourself a favor and do some “outside of class” research on labor and birth.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that you’re being hoodwinked by people who want your wife to use drugs or have a c-section. It’s scare tactics and it’s utterly repulsive that hospitals do that sort of thing to women.
Yes, there’s a chance that a woman who’s having a vaginal birth can tear. But, if she does kegel exercizes, eats properly and has a doctor who knows what the hell he/she is doing, then the risk is severely reduced. I’ll bet money, though, that nutrition and exercize weren’t discussed in your class, were they?
Just so you know, labor is not completely comprised of heavy pushing and pain for most women. When a woman is “in labor for 24 hours” or something similar, at least half of that time is used by the body preparing itself for the pushing stages.
Do some research and you’ll see what I mean. I highly recommend the Dr. Sears books on pregnancy and birth if you haven’t checked those out yet.
Hang in there, bro.
March 9, 2007 at 8:19 AM
Um. Yeah. Despite Pokerwolf’s experience and Dr. Sears and whoever else, I’m gonna say I was ill-prepared for the actual birthing thing. That’s not for my lack of trying, damn it. I read about 46-thousand books, took all those stupid ass classes, and talked to countless other women. When the actual time came, I was scared as hell, because even though I knew things might not go as I planned, I really wasn’t prepared for them to not go as I planned. I will agree with Pokerwolf the the doctors are likely going to try to push the C-section thing (mine did at least five or six times over the course of 17 hours, and I refused every time…although, my resolve got weaker as the hours went on). Although I was prepared for the nasty little possibility of tearing or cutting to prevent tearing, nobody mentioned that the recovery from all that business was nastier and in many ways harder, because you are trying to care for an actual living thing while you care for yourself. Not easy. I write all this just to keep it real in your head (as if it’s not already scary enough). Hopefully, your experience will be textbook and beautiful in all-natural and zen-like bliss, but if it’s not, I don’t want to be the one who lied to ya. No matter what you go through though, as most people say, it’s worth it. Every bit of it. I’d like the privilege of doing it all again.
March 9, 2007 at 10:06 AM
Drugs, no drugs, classes, no classes – the goal is a healthy happy mom and healthy happy baby. Both can be achieved via various paths. Pick a path and don’t get discourage when the little dickens comes up with their own ideas. The more you plan, the more that can go astray.
March 9, 2007 at 10:25 AM
I wonder if the first video is 22 minutes to allow 8 minutes for commercials.
March 9, 2007 at 10:31 AM
How I deal with a misbehaving uterus is just to give it a good spank.
Did they tell you that during the actual pushing/birthing process, she will hate you with the fire of a thousand burning suns?
It passes.
March 9, 2007 at 10:51 AM
I remember very little from our class, since I was reasonably certain I had at least one baby inside who would remain breech ’til the end, guaranteeing a c-section.
Now I find childbirth stories endlessly fascinating, and actually envy most women their labor, as it is essentially the best way for a woman to prove to her partner that she is not a pansy. I just had to lay there and cry, which Nate’s seen me do a thousand times.
Then again, I’ve never heard of anyone not tearing. So maybe I’m not that envious.
March 9, 2007 at 12:25 PM
Having been through three births in four years as a non-pushing paticipant, I have to agree with Pokerwolf’s contention this very natural process is being demonized. Obviously, I can not speak to the pain my Wife endured during labor nor the discomfort she had throughout the pregnancy, but I can say all that becomes moot once you see the head start to emerge. I would encourage you to soak up every detail you can during the process as the Mother will be busy doing the real work and probably won’t remember the details as well as you will. I am not completly un-squeamish by any means but I never turned down an offer from the doctor to “look”, “hold”, or “cut.” I helped get her into this mess, it was the least I could do to fully participate.
Congratulations and Good Luck!
March 9, 2007 at 1:05 PM
There is a slight possibility that I may have exaggerated my response to the film and the class for comic effect. Maybe a tiny bit. In all seriousness, we know it’s going to suck mightily and that we’re going to get through it anyway.
I have the utmost confidence in our doctor and the hospital staff, which has doula services, good lactation consultants, and great nurses. Nobody’s remotely scaring us into an epidural and neither of us is inclined to prefer an approach simply because it’s natural. Cholera is natural.
And barring me suddenly developing an unlikely vasovagal reaction, I’m in that room for the duration. If I come out with a healthy wife and child and a broken nose, I’ll take that trade any day.
March 9, 2007 at 7:07 PM
Happened here by way of pimpage via RER.
Just wanted to mention that the way I made it through my first pregnancy and delivery was to remind myself that it couldn’t be THAT bad considering most people who do it once actually REPEAT the whole thing with at least a second time and some a lot more. Nonetheless, my second wasn’t entirely planned (though I theorized that SOMEDAY I wanted a second); I don’t think I could have gotten the nerve up to actually TRY to do that whole thing to myself a second time. I could never, NEVER go for a third. Both my deliveries were very colorful…literally.
The oddest part of it all–the real kicker of the whole deal– is that when you gaze upon your babies all you can think about is how much it was all worth it. ???
March 11, 2007 at 6:57 PM
Don’t approach it as it will “suck.” You’ll remember it the rest of your life. Relax and have fun with it, and realize that every birth is different. My wife was in labor for six hours and was fine. I’ve also heard three day of total hell. A couple suggestions based on my own experiences and the Boot Camp for New Dads class I teach:
• You are her soldier and protector, so act that way, without being the aggressive little shit you are playing poker. If the room is cold, get her socks and tell them to turn up the heat. Get her ice chips. Whatever. Just don’t ever leave her side. She will feel 88 percent better as a result. That means pack your own bag as well as your wife’s. Prepare for a long day’s journey into night.
• Make her a music mix on your iPod and play it during the delivery. Metallica is not allowed unless that’s what she wants.
• Bring a video camera. You will want to watch the birth of your child. Just don’t point it downward.
• Finally, take notes and write a really kick ass blog about it. I can’t wait.
March 12, 2007 at 11:39 AM
I do not suggest sitting bedside on an empty stomach with her while she’s in labor.
And if they need to snip during the delivery, I suggest turning away and begging for forgiveness.
March 12, 2007 at 5:20 PM
10cm = bagel is the new black.
March 13, 2007 at 3:38 PM
hahaha
if you do a search for amniotic taco in google
your blog is #3 on the list.