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05.09.10
Ancient Nerdfights, Applied
posted by Absinthe | 9:33 PM
So you’re at your local cardroom, killing time in whatever fishy game, where the stakes are boring but you know all the players too well to lose any real money to them without a serious cold-decking. You’re peeking at jack-ten offsuit and trying to decide if it’s worth playing against the rocks to your left, when you realize that nobody’s paying attention to the game anymore. The cavernous room has gone as quiet as it’s ever going to get. You follow the stares, craning your neck around to get a look at the high-limit section, which is currently host to an unusual sight: two hulking men, one dressed in form-fitting black leather of some kind, a cape, and a black cowl, the other wearing what looks like a brightly colored spandex bodysuit with a big ‘S’ on its chest.
Yep. Superman and Batman, sitting down to play poker.
They’ve commandeered two seats at the biggest game in the casino. The other players find other places to be, those with outstanding warrants a little more quickly than the rest. One guy, he hangs around a while, clearly thinking: what the hell, I’ll be the guy who played with Batman and Superman. But Batman just stares at him for a minute. Doesn’t say anything, just riffles and cuts a stack of chips over and over, effortless despite those massive, gloved hands. Click-whrrrrr-CLACK. Click-whrrrr-CLACK. Finally the guy gets up. Superman looks a little embarrassed; “Enjoy your night, sir,” he says, but the guy’s already most of the way to the cage.
And with that, Superman and Batman start to play cards.
Usually a game this big would have railbirds, but every time someone comes close to the game, they get that look from Batman. Click-whrrrrr-CLACK, and then a pivot on the heel and a slow saunter over Somewhere Else. Still, nobody really seems interested in playing cards anymore; there’s only one game in the room tonight. But people still want to be in action. The rock on your left, the prototypical crusty old guy who’s spent his whole life waiting for sure things, offers you two to one for five hundred bucks; he wants to bet that Superman takes all the chips. “Done,” you say, grabbing his hand and giving it a quick up-and-down pump before he can think better of it.
A few hours later Superman stands up from the table, nods to Batman, says “Mr. Gotham, I’m afraid I have to let you go,” and heads out to the valet stand. He tips the valet a redbird for no particular reason, then leaps into the sky, flying off to Metropolis or wherever. Batman doesn’t even rack his chips, just leaves them on the table in great towers. Who’s going to fuck with his chips? He’s Batman. He stalks off into a dark corner and vanishes.
As you’re riffling through a fresh stack of $100s, the regular bemoans his bad luck. “How’d you know to bet Batman?” he says. “Superman’s got X-ray vision. He can hear Batman’s heartbeat, to know when he’s bluffing. He’s so fast he could catch a card in the air and replace it, and you wouldn’t know it.” To all of which you shrug and say, “Felt lucky.”
What you don’t tell him is what should be obvious. Yeah, Superman’s got all those powers, and Batman’s just a guy. But while Batman may be a little bit crazy, he’s not stupid. He knows all these things too. If Batman’s still sitting in the game, it means (at least) one of two things:
1. Batman has developed ways of neutralizing Superman’s natural advantages, and/or
2. Batman is fucking cheating.
Almost nothing in this world is “all things being equal”. Sometimes the surest thing is the sucker bet. Helps when someone offers you odds.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Topics: Poker, Random Thoughts | 4 Comments »
May 9, 2010 at 10:40 PM
Can’t believe I’m beating Gnome to any Bats beating the shit out of Supes comment. Anyhoo, everybody knows that Batman will always fuck up the worst ever thought out super hero. Mebbe a kryptonite infused gin lime rickey or somesuch slipped to him as a mickey (even though we all know Superman drinks Roy Rogers). What really annoys me is that for the rest of the evening I will be thinking of the many ways that Batman could beat Superman in poker. And backgammon. And fucking go fish for that matter.
May 9, 2010 at 11:35 PM
Then my work here is done.
May 10, 2010 at 4:48 AM
No WAY Superman cheats at cards. NO WAY! Batman knows this. I do not think Batman needs to cheat here. He is smart. Knows math. Reads people awesome with detective skills.
May 10, 2010 at 10:12 AM
Batman’s edge here is huge. Who ever saw the fucking sun in a casino?